Fourth Time’s A Charm: My Honest Pregnancy Journey
SURPRISE! Unless you’re a friend or family member that I see in person or a close long-distance friend, you may not know that I’m expecting our fourth baby. In fact, I’m already 29 weeks into this thing and getting pretty close to the end! I haven’t made a public post on my social media accounts, and not because it’s a secret. We literally told everyone in our personal circle by at least 9 weeks. I just haven’t taken the time to say anything formal in the online space which is VERY fourth pregnancy of me!
We are excited to welcome a new family member into our world sometime this fall, and this post just gives a snippet of what this fourth pregnancy journey has been like for me.
Finding Out I Was Pregnant (Again!)
Looking at those two pink lines on a pregnancy test after a couple months of trying was exciting, nerve wracking, and yet not completely surprising. My husband and I had talked through, prayed about, and waited quite a while before deciding we were just going to go ahead and try for a fourth baby. We have been fortunate in that we’ve never struggled with infertility or pregnancy complications, so this pregnancy was by no means a “whoops” we weren’t expecting. We talked about ideal birth months and started taking action. Just a couple months in we got our positive pregnancy test and started this fourth pregnancy journey!
Although we both felt that we could be content with our three boys and not continue to grow our family, we knew that there would always be this “what if” in the back of our minds if we didn’t decide to meet this little one we had considered bringing into the world for so long. There had been several times when I was at home with my three boys and found myself looking for another child as if one of my kids was missing. I could never quite shake this feeling that I was missing someone in our lineup of children! This little baby in my womb is that missing someone.
I am a strong believer in the idea that you will never regret the children you have but you may regret not having the ones you COULD have had. So I knew that we had a place in our hearts and family for at least one more child and no matter what challenges may come down the line in pregnancy or parenting, we would never regret having this baby.
So this little one was prayed over, planned, and intentionally conceived because I never wanted to get to the end of my life having dreamed of the possibility of this fourth baby but having been too afraid to bring him or her into the world.
Processing Baby #4
Although this baby was planned, dreamed about, and wanted from the beginning, I still found myself with mixed feelings about being pregnant again. Truthfully, I began wrestling with my emotions about pregnancy and postpartum BEFORE I even found out I was pregnant! I’ve never quite hated pregnancy in the past, but I also have experienced the massive difficulties that can come especially with the first half of carrying a baby. I’ve also had one particularly brutal postpartum season, so I went into conception and pregnancy with my eyes wide open and no room for rose-colored glasses. Pregnancy could be okay and mostly enjoyable, but it could also be absolutely horrible in so many ways without a way out until the baby is born and then I’d have to hope for a healthy and happy postpartum which is also not guaranteed. Can you tell I had such a positive mindset going into this? Hah! I was mentally preparing for the absolute WORST!
So many thoughts and emotions ran through my head as I prepared for baby #4 and found out I was pregnant. Was I excited? Yes! But was I equally afraid and dreading parts of going through it all again now as a mom of three? Absolutely! Like I said before, I never completely hated pregnancy in the past, but I knew how bad it could get from my own history. I couldn’t imagine being so sick and taking care of other children well. I couldn’t imagine being so exhausted and still keeping up with homeschooling. How could I be throwing up and still be in the kitchen to put meals and snacks together for my kids? How could I take them to appointments if I was vomiting on and off all day and gagging if I had to put real clothes on?
Other questions ran through my mind as well…
Will I be able to handle a fourth baby?
What if the baby doesn’t sleep?
Will I have a smooth birth?
Will I have to go through postpartum anxiety and depression again and have to go on medication this time?
Do I even want to go through the struggles of breastfeeding when I have never produced enough in the past?
Will we be able to afford everything we need especially if I try formula feeding this time?
Will we be able to move into a more functional space for our family?
Will we be able to buy a different vehicle that can fit four kids that are mostly still in car seats?
How will my other children handle having a newborn around?
Will this baby be jaundiced like my other babies or need special medical care or therapies?
The list could go ON and ON.
I’m getting closer to the end of this pregnancy, and I’m STILL processing it all!
How This Pregnancy Is Different From the First Three
This pregnancy definitely has had some similarities to my first two pregnancies, but it’s also felt very different in ways. During my first trimester of this pregnancy, I remember feeling like I was back in my first pregnancy. Unfortunately, I experienced this as almost a trauma response because my first pregnancy was surrounded by intense trauma due to some life circumstances. So although I wasn’t in the middle of the same circumstantial trauma as I was when I was pregnant with my first son, it’s like my body remembered and put me right back in that place. I wasn’t quite as sick in this pregnancy as I was with my first, but this one was a very close second, and I did not cope well.
Two to three weeks after getting my positive pregnancy test, the nausea, vomiting, sciatic nerve pain, insomnia, and exhaustion kicked in, and I truly felt like I was on my death bed day in and day out for weeks on end. I can’t count the amount of days I just sobbed and sobbed both from hormones and physically feeling like I was terminally ill. My thoughts were so dark and hopeless for months.
Why did I think I was strong enough to go through this again?
Why am I so useless to my family and such a burden to my husband?
Why can’t I just force myself to get out of bed and do more? It seems like other moms can get it together.
If I can’t handle this, how am I going to handle another baby?
My baby is probably going to be born with colic or trauma-related issues because I can’t just be happy. The baby isn’t even here, and I’m already ruining its life.
My kids deserve a better mom.
The thoughts became darker and darker that first trimester, and I truly dreaded waking up each morning.
To be very clear, I wasn’t suicidal. I could recognize that my thoughts were probably coming from some hormone-related depression combined with past traumas. I knew that I was the only mom these kids had and that I was giving them my best even if it wasn’t perfect. I knew deep down that I shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for being so sick and “unproductive” when it was out of my control and my body was doing so much to protect and grow this new little life.
Although the emotions and tears were very real, I could tell that my mental health was in a bad place and that one day it wouldn’t feel the same. For some reason, this pregnancy just came with antenatal depression which has been the biggest difference compared to my other pregnancies and has made it harder in ways.
We’ve also just walked through a season of life that has caused me to face my abusers, rethink family relationships, process the need for new boundaries, put a lot of stress on my body due to moving, and all while taking care of three children.
Coping With Symptoms and Motherhood While Pregnant
As you can tell from what I just shared above, I DID NOT COPE WELL with being pregnant this time around which makes me sad. And yet, I extend myself a lot of grace and understanding because I truly believe that some of this experience was beyond my control. I couldn’t have predicted how sick I would get, how much my mental health would tank, how strong I would have to be through multiple life circumstances, etc. As much as I had hoped for this pregnancy (probably my last) to be full of joy, celebration, and being present, I had to accept that that wasn’t going to be my experience for a lot of it. Have I had to grieve the reality of this pregnancy versus the dreams I had for this season? Yes. I’m sure I’ll be grieving this for a while. But I’m at the place now where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can believe for better days BECAUSE THEY’RE COMING!
Trying to be a good mom to my three boys through this season has been a journey as well full of both failures and wins. But the beautiful thing about kids is that they tend to be incredibly gracious and caring even when we’re at our weakest.
Because of how sick I got at the beginning of pregnancy, we told the kids I was pregnant very early on. My husband and I didn’t want them to be scared seeing me so sick especially after watching my mom die of cancer. I knew we had to clarify especially for my oldest son that I wasn’t going to die but that I may be very sick for a while as my body grew his new sibling. I think having this conversation helped my kids to know what to expect and also made them very empathetic and understanding.
Even with their understanding, I did carry a lot of guilt. I was in bed watching shows so much those first few months which isn’t normal for me. I rarely watch anything and rarely spend time away from the family for long amounts of time, so I felt bad that I wasn’t more present with them. I could hardly stand up unless I wanted to vomit everywhere and being in the kitchen around all the smells of different foods was torment. So I often ate (and threw up) in my room instead of at the table.
Thankfully, my oldest son was doing video school, so he was able to continue his schooling even while I was so sick. But having less physical accountability from me (even though I was just down the hall and within earshot of everyone at all times) became problematic. We did the best we could, but it was definitely hard to parent and homeschool as effectively while feeling so unwell.
It was also hard for me to be touched by anyone, so I’m sure the boys felt sad at times when I told them not to hug or climb on me. I didn’t want to vomit in front of them, and pressure on my body would easily trigger a sick spell. But my little ones probably didn’t fully understand and may have felt rejected or pushed off. Although I never want my kids to feel disconnected from me, I’m not entirely sure what I could have done differently at the time. It was the trenches, and I’m sure it impacted them in ways.
Now that I’ve been past the sick part of pregnancy for a while, I can say that I’m coping in a more normal and manageable way with motherhood. We all still have good days and bad days, failures and successes. But it feels more normal and less like we’re living in survival mode.
Preparing for a New Baby With a Full House
To be fully transparent, I haven’t prepared as much for this baby as I have with the others. I think part of it is because I feel more confident in what I NEED to prepare for and what is maybe not as necessary. But I think another part of it is because life has just been hectic. We unexpectedly moved back in April from a two bedroom apartment to my dad’s house that has been (and continues to be) a huge project due to the condition the house was left in. As soon as I stopped throwing up as much, I was packing, hauling things to and from our apartment to the house while my husband was at work (which probably wasn’t safe but felt necessary), jumped right back into a more active role in homeschooling, started dog sitting pets that were vomiting on the carpet and making the kids cry all the time (another story for another time), cleaning years of dust and clutter at my dad’s house on a daily basis, and as you could imagine, never resting. When did I have time to just be present in my pregnancy and to even think about preparing for this new baby?
I still haven’t shopped for a single thing for this baby (not that I need a whole lot). I haven’t gone through my stored baby clothes, haven’t set up a bed, haven’t decided on whether or not to have a baby shower, haven’t gotten a new breast pump, and haven’t started any type of birth prep. I just barely hired a doula a week or two ago, and we still haven’t decided on a name for this little one.
Preparing for a fourth baby with a full house and a full life has been difficult! I’m still so excited to meet this baby and have had dreams of a peaceful birth and looking into my baby’s face (who has a full head of dark hair). But I really need to start working on some more of the practical preparations for the baby instead of focusing on everything else first!
Leaning on Faith and Grace in This Season
One of the hard parts about walking through antenatal depression is that I have struggled with feeling as connected to God as usual. And it’s not for lack of trying! Being so sick required me to be dependent on God to get me through each dreaded day. Having to process difficult and disappointing family dynamics and potential boundaries has compelled me to pray and talk to God for wisdom. Feeling attacked on every side by the enemy has caused me to cry out to God in lament and ask for his protection over and over again. But something in me has still missed and craved a sense of deep connection to God. Experiencing mental health issues can serve as a way to draw us to God. But it can also be a barrier in feeling God’s presence at times. I feel like I’ve experienced both during this pregnancy. I’m leaning on God and my faith in a desperate way, and yet I have this desire for joy in His presence again and peace that passes understanding.
Leaning on grace, therefore, has been such a necessity as I prepare for baby #4. I’ve needed grace to be weak and sick. I’ve needed grace in every area of my motherhood. I’ve needed grace as a wife. I’ve had to embrace grace for myself and my situation because I don’t know what else to do! This has been a hard season that has brought up so much trauma, weakness, need for change, and desire for a better future. Without God’s grace, I’m not sure how I could make it through to the other side.
What I'm Grateful for in My Fourth Pregnancy
What I’ve shared so far has probably been heavy and not very uplifting to read. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible about this journey because I think sometimes we, as woman, can minimize our stories and experiences to make them more palatable and acceptable. But doesn’t that just perpetuate feelings of shame and isolation when you find yourself in a hard season?
But even though my pregnancy journey has been mostly hard this fourth time around, I do want to share the things that I am grateful for.
I am so grateful for the gift of new life and that I’m the only mama that gets to carry this baby.
I am grateful that my body and hormones did everything they needed to do to preserve and protect this life so far. I may have been really sick and miserable, but it communicated to me that the baby was probably doing okay.
I am grateful for a husband that steps up for me and our children even when it’s hard. I grieve for the mamas who are either walking through pregnancy alone or have partners that do not choose to sacrifice for their expectant partner.
I am grateful that all of our needs have been met although we desire financial increase and abundance in the years ahead.
I am grateful for loving and gracious sons that are better to me than I deserve.
I am grateful for wonderful friends who checked in on me and stepped up to help us in practical ways multiple times.
I am grateful that I wasn’t sick the whole pregnancy! You mamas that were sick the whole nine months are true warriors. I can’t even imagine, and I’m so sorry if that was your experience.
I am grateful for the clarity that has come with wrestling through some heavy things in my personal life. I now feel confident in some future relational decisions because of the difficulty of this season.
I am grateful that God is holding me even when I don’t fully feel it. I’m grateful that God is near to me even when joy feels far from me. I’m grateful that God is advocating for me in unseen places. I’m grateful that God is remaining true to His word even when I struggle with doubt. And I’m grateful that God is bringing me through this pregnancy and will carry me through birth, postpartum, and beyond.
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