Postpartum Joy After Prenatal Depression: My 5 Month Update
I didn’t glow during my pregnancy with my fourth baby. I unraveled more than I held it together.
I went into this pregnancy knowing it might be hard. I’ve had difficult ones before. But this time was heavier than I was prepared for — physically, mentally, and spiritually. The nausea lingered well past the first trimester, clinging to me into week seventeen and draining me body, mind, and soul. I was exhausted in a way that felt impossible to explain. Each morning, I woke up already defeated, dreading another day of relentless sickness and a darkness I couldn’t easily shake.
What I eventually realized was that this wasn’t just “morning sickness” and normal mood changes. I was walking through prenatal depression — and it colored everything in shades of black and gray.
The guilt was incredibly hard.
Guilt for crying every day.
Guilt for the intrusive thoughts that whispered that not waking up would be easier than enduring another day.
Guilt for questioning my worth as a mother.
Guilt for worrying that my stress was harming my baby.
Guilt for feeling distant from God when I thought I should have been clinging to gratitude.
Why couldn’t I just get it together?
Why couldn’t I just push through?
I prayed desperately that postpartum would be different. But if I’m honest, I prepared myself for more darkness. I had experienced postpartum depression and anxiety before. I knew my history could repeat itself. If pregnancy felt this unbearable, surely the newborn days would break me.
But I’m five months postpartum now, and I can say this with absolute honesty and gratitude:
It didn’t.
After delivering my baby, the fog somehow lifted. Finally, I could breathe again. Light returned. Joy — real, steady, unexpected joy — met me in this postpartum season.
If you are pregnant and barely holding on…
If your faith feels thin and fragile, and you’re terrified of what postpartum may hold for you…
I am writing this for you.
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
What you’re experiencing is real.
And the darkness you may be walking through now does not have the final word on your postpartum experience.
What Prenatal Depression Felt Like for Me
Battling prenatal depression was incredibly challenging for me. I had been sick in previous pregnancies, which brought its own form of depression.
But this was much more intense, dark, and persistent. If you haven’t already read my previous blog post, this was written during my pregnancy and shares some of that journey.
I’ll add more here to give you a fuller picture…
Physically, I experienced horrible morning (all day) sickness, an inability to nourish my body well due to vomiting and fear of eating and drinking, insomnia which led to debilitating exhaustion, sciatic nerve pain, excessive saliva which made my nausea even more unbearable, weakness from the lack of proper nourishment and rest, and an inability to stand up straight or walk without risk of vomiting. In hindsight, I wonder if I met the criteria for hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) or at least for taking an anti-nausea medication because of how ill I felt.
Mentally and emotionally, I struggled in a way that I had never experienced before. I felt so sad and on the verge of tears every day for months. I broke down in sobs at least three times a day because of how horrible I felt physically, combined with how dark my thoughts became. I felt so incredibly hopeless, useless, and worthless even in the midst of participating in the miracle of growing life within me. I felt guilty for being so depressed when I wanted this baby and intentionally got pregnant. I had so much anxiety over the health of my baby because I imagined that my heightened cortisol was impacting his brain development. I worried every day that he would die or have lifelong damage due to my inability to get it together and just be happy. Other than worrying about his health and future, I felt more detached from this baby than my others, and ashamed of myself for feeling that way. I was just so sick and mentally unwell and hopeless that I could hardly think of anything other than the darkness closing in around me.
Spiritually, I felt distant from God at no fault of His. I filled my time with distractions from social media and shows I didn’t even care about. My body felt like it was dying, my mind was full of darkness or distractions, and my spirit felt both desperate for God’s hand and far from Him. I longed for His tangible presence, but I couldn’t sense Him often because of what I was going through.
Walking through prenatal depression was one of the darkest seasons of my life, and it impacted every part of my being for months.
There were some easier days towards the middle of my pregnancy, but even then, I felt like a shell of myself as I lived in survival mode.
The Turning Point: Birth & The First Weeks of Postpartum Recovery
The end of pregnancy was difficult for me, as it often can be for moms. I was huge, not sleeping, and struggling with discouragement because my body wouldn’t go into labor on its own.
I have since come to accept that my body probably needs closer to 43 weeks to go into labor spontaneously, which isn’t supported in most birthing spaces, even though it’s not incredibly uncommon.
I texted my doula multiple times a week, crying and feeling so defeated and betrayed by my body. The mantra that says “I was made to birth” started to feel completely false in my case. I may be able to conceive babies and carry them to term (which I know is such a gift and miracle in and of itself that I am truly grateful for), but was I made to birth? It surely didn’t seem like it.
You’re often told that after having one baby, your body will likely have earlier and quicker labors for future births. My fourth baby came neither earlier nor quicker, so I was pretty frustrated.
I won’t share my whole birth story in this post. Still, I’ll summarize it by saying that after waiting past my due date to go into labor, the labor itself was long, very intense, full of discouragement until the very end, and required some creative solutions from my midwife to bring my baby earthside without a hospital transfer. It wasn’t necessarily traumatic, and my baby tolerated labor well, which gave me peace of mind. But it was the hardest physical experience of my life while simultaneously being one of the most empowering things I’ll ever get to do. I look back on that day and laugh because it was truly so challenging, and I wasn’t one of those cute, blissful birthing moms who had a supernatural, pain-free birth. I didn’t panic, but I was loud and annoyed (and probably annoying to my husband and doula) the whole time because it just took forever. And I was so over it!
But if I had to identify one moment that was the turning point for me from feeling deeply depressed to feeling the fog finally lift, I would say it was the moment my baby came out after my long labor, and even more so, when I birthed the placenta. It’s like my brain and body knew that I had endured to the end and could finally move on from this difficult season of pregnancy and prenatal depression. I can’t even accurately explain how relieved I felt in that moment!
Even with that immediate relief at the time I met my fourth son, in those early days and weeks, I kept wondering if the baby blues or full-blown depression and anxiety would kick in. I knew there were no guarantees that it would pass me by, especially with my history.
But none of the darkness came back.
Not once.
Of course, I felt tired and weak from the birth and taking care of a newborn. My body needed time to heal, and I had to adjust to having such a little, dependent baby again. But I felt so incredibly stable, present, and, to my complete surprise, JOYFUL.
I didn’t struggle with frustration towards my baby when he cried or woke up frequently. I felt even more grateful and deeply connected to my older kids. I was actually able to sleep between feedings. I could smile, laugh, and stare into my baby’s dark brown eyes. I just felt FREE for the first time in a long time.
5 Months Postpartum: What Life Feels Like Now
It’s now been five months, and I know you may be wondering how things have been since those early weeks in my postpartum journey. This is how things are going five months since having my baby.
Physically: My Body After a Hard Pregnancy
I was encouraged to prioritize rest after having my baby, and my husband was actually able to take the time off to make that more realistic. So for about 2 weeks, I mostly stayed in bed with my baby to heal and establish nursing. I truly believe that made a difference in my recovery!
My body feels fairly normal at this point in postpartum, and my energy levels have been surprisingly great. However, I have quite a bit of work to do to regain strength, lose unnecessary weight, reduce inflammation, eat more nutritious foods, heal my diastasis recti, and get more sleep. My baby had been waking up every one to two hours until a few nights ago, so adding on exercise and better sleep felt somewhat unrealistic. But now that he’s sleeping much better, I feel hopeful that I can start exercising more regularly and focusing on deeper physical healing. I know that weight loss may come much later down the line because I tend to retain weight while breastfeeding, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work on my habits and get stronger.
Healing is a process and takes time, but I am on my way to better physical recovery.
mentally & Emotionally: The Fog Lifting After Prenatal Depression
The fog of prenatal depression lifted the moment I had my baby, but now, at five months postpartum, I can genuinely say that the depression has not returned. This has been one of the most joyful seasons of my life, which feels like a miraculous answer to prayer.
I knew that there was a high possibility that I would struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety due to my history and the fact that I had prenatal depression during this pregnancy. I was honestly expecting to have to go on an antidepressant medication and work regularly with a therapist to survive day to day.
But that hasn’t been my reality.
I LOVE this season of motherhood. I love spending time with my precious baby boy so much. I find so much fulfillment in watching my other kids grow and become the men they were created to be. I feel more connected to my husband without the cloud of sadness over me. I have so much more capacity to be present in life. I rarely feel overwhelmed. I am much more confident in myself and my decisions as a mom. I have hope and excitement for the future.
I can breathe again!
spiritually: Finding Connection with god again
Although it’s not always easy to sit down with my physical Bible or to spend time alone in prayer (alone time is a luxury with four boys!), I feel the presence of God more easily in this postpartum season than I did when I was in the trenches of prenatal depression. If I slow down enough and eliminate distractions for a time, I can hear God’s voice, sense His direction, and feel His gentleness and love towards me. I know He’s there and that He is for me. I know that He held me through this very difficult pregnancy and has been gracious with me in this time of healing as well. It is He who has given me joy through His Spirit, and I’m even more confident that God is good because of the darkness He brought me out of.
What Helped Me Heal After Prenatal Depression
This may sound so simple and probably not very helpful to some, but truly, the only thing that helped me heal after prenatal depression was praying for a beautiful and redemptive postpartum, and God answering that prayer with His “yes”.
Sure. I also went into this postpartum letting go of unrealistic expectations. Now that I’m four kids in, I know that each baby can be so different, and each postpartum can look different as well. Some babies sleep like angels from the start, and some don’t sleep much at all. Some babies take to breastfeeding right away, and some need more time to learn or to adjust to bottles. Some babies have medical needs post-birth, and some don’t. Some are colicky, and some are super content. You really don’t know your baby until he or she is here! And you also don’t know if postpartum depression or anxiety (or trauma) will be a part of your story until you’re there. Managing expectations is helpful to some extent.
But for me, true healing has come from God’s answer to my desperate and consistent plea for relief in postpartum. I knew that this may be my last baby, and that it was already sad I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy. My heart deeply desired to have a sweet postpartum season, and God was gracious to me in giving me freedom from depression since having my baby.
To the Pregnant Mom Who Is Struggling Right Now
If you are reading this blog post and counting down the days or weeks until the end of your pregnancy and wondering how you’ll survive, please know that you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. Prenatal depression is a very real experience, but it doesn’t define the real you.
You are stronger than you believe.
You are so selfless in growing this precious life, even though you’ve had to suffer greatly in the process.
You are probably grateful for your baby, even if you’re not grateful for the heaviness of depression.
You are sacrificial — mind, body, and spirit.
You are a great mother, having endured so much to advocate for the health of your little one.
You are not a failure for feeling sad and not enjoying your pregnancy.
You are not faithless because you’re struggling so deeply.
And you’re not doomed to experience a horrible postpartum just because your pregnancy has been hard.
I cannot guarantee that the fog will lift immediately upon the birth of your baby or after the fourth trimester. I can’t guarantee anything at all, unfortunately.
But I do want to encourage you to pray. Cry out to God to write a better story for your postpartum than you can come up with on your own. And while you’re waiting for your prayers to be answered, consider what might bring healing in other practical ways. Start meeting with a counselor, make a plan to avoid isolation, say “yes” to a meal train, let people sit with you for conversation, don’t feel bad having a friend come into your home to do laundry or other household chores, join a moms group, allow yourself to cry, have some good snacks on hand, go for a walk once your body can, and take a shower from time to time. There are so many practical things you can do to partner with the process of healing while you wait for prayers to be fully answered.
Closing Thoughts: Joy After a Difficult Pregnancy Is Possible
Just because you may be going through prenatal depression now, you are not guaranteed to have postpartum depression in the future. If my story can encourage you in any way, let it be this: joy after a hard pregnancy is possible. Maybe it will happen all at once as it did for me. Or maybe it will occur over time as you engage in a healing process. But joy isn’t out of reach for you.
As you wait for the fog to lift, take courage and pray for more in your postpartum. God sees you. He hears you. And He cares about you.
You are not forgotten by Him. He sees your tears and knows the desires of your heart.
You will not feel like this forever. What you’re going through now isn’t eternal.
Light will break in again.
Joy is coming!
I'd love to know...
What has your experience with prenatal depression been like? What are you praying or hoping for for your postpartum?
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