February Reflections
Happy February 29th! Something about this day feels extra special since we only see it during a leap year. And yet my day, like many of yours probably, was fairly normal. I washed some laundry and didn’t fold it. I homeschooled my son in the earlier part of the day. I read a few chapters in a book from the library. I walked on my walking pad for thirty minutes and followed it up with an easy leg workout and diastasis recti exercise. I made dinner out of odds and ends because we’re due for a grocery run. It was a pretty normal, non-eventful day.
But if I’m being honest, the month of February has not been so normal or simple. It’s been hard and depressing, and I feel like having a normal day like today is actually a positive sign that things are moving in a good direction. Let me share about our month.
At some point at the beginning of the month, I came down with a virus that spread through the whole family and lasted for a couple of weeks. Surprisingly, this winter has been less intense for us in terms of sickness which is a blessing, but the virus we ended up catching really impacted our family. Not only was I personally feeling unwell for days, but one of my children refused to sleep for a week straight with the exception of a 15 minute nap on a couple of separate days. Now, if this was just an isolated incident due to sickness, I would be more understanding. But unfortunately, this child has had many episodes of not sleeping for three to four days at a time, and I think watching him not sleep for even longer just broke me. I would love to say that it broke me in a way that brought out my compassion, sympathy, and heartfelt prayers towards him, but the truth is, this broke me in a massive mental breakdown type of way that I have never experienced before.
I think everything just compounded that week. I was physically sick. I was taking care of sick children. I was processing some transitions happening in my family of origin. I was dealing with some confusing dynamics with some friends. I was feeling hopeless due to our living arrangement that has caused so much strain on our family. I was feeling stressed because of our limited finances regardless of our efforts to increase income. I was once again facing the reality of having a child I believe is neurodivergent and unable to sleep most nights. I was frustrated that my entire existence seemed to be tied up in my role as mom. I quickly began to feel this deep sense of purposelessness and meaninglessness. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was feeling completely lost and without hope for the future. I felt completely broken.
It’s taken weeks to slowly come out of this dark mental space. I am not unfamiliar with depression or anxiety in my life, but I usually don’t take so long to bounce back. This past week, I’ve been reflecting on this idea that I’m simply tired of being resilient all the time. I’m tired of having to choose to be strong in hard situations. I’m tired of feeling like I have no purpose outside of my kids. I’m tired of feeling so stuck in my circumstances. I’m just tired. I’m worn out. I need refreshment. I need a sense of hope. I need better coping strategies. I need to know that God is there and that He actually does care about what happens in my life.
When I go through tough seasons and feel as though my life is marked more by suffering and confusion than by blessing, I am often reminded of these truths in Scripture as the fog begins to lift:
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1:2-4 (ESV)
“Behold, we consider those blessed who remain steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” – James 5:11 (ESV)
Although I cannot rightfully compare my suffering to that of Job or those that received severe persecution for their faith, I do think it’s appropriate for me to look at my perceived suffering and apply the truth of Scripture to my situation. So this means that even when life seems dark and hopeless, and I feel lost in my brokenness, I can remember that my suffering is not without meaning or reward. In fact, it’s producing something good and lasting and hopeful within me even when I momentarily believe the lie that there is no purpose to this painful moment in time.
So after a hard month that truly exposed my brokenness in an ugly way, I can honestly say that I am looking forward to March. I don’t know what the next month will bring, but I do know that the hard moments of February will lead to deeper endurance, character, and hope in the days ahead. Here’s to more refreshment, more exploring the purposes God has for me, more utilizing healthy coping strategies, and more believing that the Lord is compassionate and merciful and will make a way to greener pastures for our family.
March Goals - Alyssa Joy Dahlberg
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